A recent article from about.com revealed that over 50% of Americans vowed to appreciate loved ones and spend more time family and friends in 2012. If the truth is told, many of us are included in this number but have no clue how to realistically make this happen in our daily lives. Below are a few strategies for creating quality family time with your family this year.

1) EDIT

When life is too busy for quality family time, maybe it’s too busy? A great first step to spending quality time with your family is to evaluate your life as it is. What commitments and activities are consuming your family’s time? Make a list of all of your family’s activities/commitments (e.g. Work, School, Home, Family/Kids, Hobbies, Recreation, Civic, Religious, Online/Social Media) and the amount of time they consume daily and weekly. Examine each listed item one-by-one. Ask yourself: How necessary is this commitment? How much value does this commitment bring to my life/my family’s life? What does involvement with this activity help my family to achieve? Which commitments yield the greatest return investment for the well being of family members? Which yield the least return on the investment of your family’s time? Start with the commitments that yield the least return and select one that you are willing to temporarily remove. Set a trial period of 3-weeks and see how life is without that activity. After the 3-week-trial period, reevaluate to determine whether this activity can remain removed for the next 6 months. Revisit your list and see if there is another activity that you can remove and repeat the process—stop the activity for 3-weeks, reassess, continue without the activity, and see if you can edit more from your list. This will help you to prioritize your family’s commitments and let go of ones that are of least benefit.

2) PROTECT

Now that you’ve freed up some time on your family’s calendar, protect it! Often times we try to fit in family time around our other commitments like those listed above. We mark time on our calendars for work, school, civic, and other commitments first and then search for opportunities to squeeze in family time. For the next month, make scheduling family time a priority. Identify the times when all or most family members are available and block off that time on each member’s schedule as sacred time to spend together. Protect it like you would protect the time you’ve committed to work. This may mean turning down offers to do other activities in order to spend quality time with your family. While saying “no” to other commitments that interfere with family time may seem hard to do in the moment, you may later find that the hours you protected for quality time with family were worth the effort. If saying “no” to other commitments feels really challenging, remind yourself of how you answered the million-dollar question: How do I want to spend the remaining days of 2012 with my family?

3) PLAN

Many of us value spontaneity. When we get the opportunity to be spontaneous, we revel it. However, when it comes to establishing the regular practice of spending quality family time together, a little planning can go a long way. Here’s where it gets fun. Have each family member make a list of the things they would like to do as a family. I suggest your list include “in-house” activities and “on-the-town” activities. The “in-house” activities are things you can do in the convenience of your home! If possible, try to make sure these are activities where family members can be together in the same room and interact with each other. Remember, the goal is to share quality time with one another. Get everyone on board and involved with planning. Allow children who are old enough to offer assistance to help coordinate “in-house” activities. If possible, have adults in the family take turns planning so that arranging this cherished time does not become a burden to any one person. The “on-the-town” activities are special activities that your family can do locally but might also include family trips. As a starting goal, try to select one “in-house” and one “on-the-town” activity for your family to do each month. If resources do not permit a monthly “on-the-town” activity, no worries! Enjoy another “in-house” activity with your family.

4) BE PRESENT & ENJOY

You’ve done all the hard work. You’ve edited your commitments, you’ve protected time on your family’s calendar, and you’ve planned “in-house” and “on-the-town” activities. Now, your job is simply to show up, be fully present, and ENJOY! Be sure that the days/times protected for family time are clearly communicated to all family members. As the time approaches, give reminders to excite family members and ensure they’re present. Once everyone is there, unplug! This is especially important for your “in-house” activities. With few exceptions, have all family members turn off cell phones, iPads, iTouches, laptops, and any other tech gadget that is not a purposeful part of the planned family activity. This will allow each family member to focus attention on one another. It will help family members feel appreciated, heard, and valued, and it will support the goal of not only spending more quantity time with your family, but quality time with your family.

This approach is not a “one-size-fits-all” method for achieving the goal of spending family time together. Each family will have its unique strengths and challenges in establishing both quantity and quality time with one another. Some families will find editing, protecting, planning, and being present easier to accomplish than others. If your family gets stuck in achieving this goal, a trusted family therapist can offer encouragement and guidance in supporting your family’s efforts to connect in the New Year.

References:

http://pittsburgh.about.com/od/holidays/tp/resolutions.htm

http://zenhabits.net/edit-your-life-part-1-commitments/

-Posted by Jocelyn Smith

The manner in which couples conduct their separation has a large impact on the family’s ability to reorganize successfully. Chaotic, contentious divorces usually presage poor future communication between ex-spouses; discipline and order suffer, making children more vulnerable to emotional and behavioral difficulties. When divorce processes are rational and orderly, parents are usually better able to co-parent effectively, discipline and structure tends to be maintained, children adapt more smoothly, and all family members have a better chance at successfully facing the next stages of their lives.

A critical determinant of a couples’ ability to separate in a healthy manner is their choice of a legal process that best meets the family’s needs. The utility of a process for a given family depends on circumstances such as the complexity of the issues involved, the financial means of the couple, and the level of trust and problem-solving abilities of the separating partners.

The following descriptions of processes for separation and divorce are adapted from a presentation made in November 2011 by Sue Soler and Karen Freed, two clinical social workers from Montgomery County, Maryland who have extensive experience helping separating and divorcing couples to craft individual solutions for their families:

1) The Kitchen-Table Divorce
In this process, the parties negotiate directly to resolve both the parenting and financial issues. The spouses may or may not consult with one or more attorneys to review a final document, and then file their agreement with the court. This process can work if both parties already communicate well, are willing to be flexible, and have good problem-solving abilities. It is also important that the spouses have an equal level of fairly sophisticated legal knowledge. If these characteristics are lacking in one or either individual, if there is a power imbalance, or if one or more issues are too contentious, it is usually advisable to use a process that includes the assistance of professionals. When this option works well, it can be both inexpensive and relatively expeditious.

2) Mediation
In this confidential process, a trained professional (usually with a background in law or mental health) guides a couple in communicating about issues related to their settlement agreement, including parenting and financial matters. The parties are advised to consult with their individual attorneys throughout the process. The mediator will then help the couple draft an agreement, which can be filed by an attorney. Mediation is most appropriate for couples who have no major power imbalances or overly contentious issues, and are committed to coming to agreement in a low-conflict fashion. Mediation can be relatively inexpensive and efficient, and can also help ex-spouses improve their communication, to the benefit of the future co-parenting relationship.

3) Consultation
As in mediation, when parties enter consultation they meet confidentially with a professional who helps them to communicate about issues related to their settlement. A consultant may also offer substantive advice on issues such as the appropriateness of parenting plans or the practicality of financial arrangements. Parties may go to different consultants (such as accountants or mental health professionals) for different concerns; generally speaking, attorneys do not act as consultants because they cannot ethically advise two opposing parties. Throughout the process it is important that each partner confers with their respective attorneys, who can also file the agreement with the court. This process is useful for couples who need more guidance on particular issues than mediation provides. The cost of consultation is usually not onerous, and the process is nearly always briefer than litigation.

4) Attorney-Negotiated Agreements
In this process, each spouse retains an attorney, who may provide legal advice on any issues related to the separation, including division of property, financial support for spouses, and custody. The attorneys then communicate with each other (attorneys sometimes advise against communicating with the other party), and file a Settlement Agreement with the court. This process is appropriate for couples who want more legal support and guidance than they would receive in the above processes, but who are still committed to agreeing in a low-conflict fashion and do not have major differences which they wish to contest. This option can be fairly inexpensive and efficient. As long as the attorneys file no motions with the courts, the process is confidential. The process has drawbacks; the couple loses an opportunity to work things out without the assistance of professionals, and because the attorneys’ primary function is to advocate for their client, the agreement may not be one that is optimal for the entire family. Finally, it runs the risk of escalating into costly litigation.

5) Litigation
In litigation both parties contest one or more issues through the courts, usually with the assistance of attorneys. This process can be necessary when one or both partners are abusive or unreasonable in their demands, or the parties cannot resolve one or more issues via negotiation. Harmful unintended consequences of the litigation process can be severe; aggressive legal actions can lead to reactions, generating greater costs, a prolonged process, and potentially a high degree of disorder. As attorneys focus on zealous advocacy, the needs of the whole family may recede into the background. High-conflict litigation often presages a contentious co-parenting relationship, resulting in a lack of discipline and order. In addition, litigated settlements often lead to more litigation in future years. For all its pitfalls, if one or both of the parties is mindful of the effect of the divorce process on the family, litigation can be contained, and may settle issues not resolvable by other means.

6) Collaborative Divorce
In this non-adversarial process, conducted outside of the court system, both parties begin by agreeing that they intend to avoid litigation, and that they will not use any information gained from the collaborative process if they do so. The parties and their respective attorneys then conduct face to face meetings in an effort to reach an agreement. Other professionals may advise on a variety of concerns, such as financial planning or child development. Each client may also choose to have a “divorce coach” who helps support and guide them through the process. This process is most useful for couples who have a number of differences, but who wish to avoid litigation and develop their ability to co-parent. The advantages of collaborative divorce are several, including confidentiality and the opportunity to obtain substantial guidance and support. Complex collaborative divorces can be costly, though usually much less so than litigation.

7) Hybrid Models
As the options for separation and divorce grow, some couples are now seeking out the services that meet their circumstances rather than opting for particular “models”. Even in the midst of litigation, some individuals make use of child development specialists so that they can advise their attorneys as to what parenting plans to propose; couples using any process may utilize divorce coaches to help them cope.

Finding what works

No one process is best for every couple. Low-conflict couples who are knowledgeable about the legal process may be able to divorce at a “kitchen-table”, while others may benefit from the guidance of a mediator or consultant. Couples who have minor differences may successfully make use of the guidance of lawyers via attorney-negotiated agreements, while clients who wish to save their families from the cost and heartbreak of difficult litigation, and develop their co-parenting skills in the process, may be able to make use of collaborative divorce. Even when litigation is necessary, coaches or consultants can help contain the process. Whatever option a couple chooses, if they enter divorce with the knowledge that they are not just “fighting over the spoils”, but laying the foundation for the next stage of their family, they can help themselves and their children adapt to the loss and to chart a course for a brighter future.

Posted by Jonah Green

The holidays can be a stressful time for any parent but what happens when each parent observes a different religion? This year, Chanukah and Christmas overlap thereby adding an extra challenge for interfaith parents. Is there a way to balance two religious traditions in one home? The answer is a resounding yes, if you take a thoughtful team approach to the holiday season. Below are some suggestions for celebrating the interfaith way:

1. Make a date ahead of time to talk with your partner about your vision for the holidays. Starting early reduces tension and sets the stage for approaching the season as a team.

2. Be open to learning about each other’s religious backgrounds. Read or talk about the meaning and the history of your partner’s holiday along with the symbols and rituals that accompany it. If you have a visceral reaction such as a strong aversion to Christmas trees, try to examine this yourself before you talk it over with your partner. Exploring your own feelings first will make your conversation less reactive.

3. Call up and examine the childhood memories that you cherish the most. Is it the different kinds of cookies your mom baked well in advance of Christmas? Playing the dreidel game? The scent of a Christmas tree? Latkes frying on the stove? Reading stories or singing songs with family? Share these with your partner so he or she knows that they are important to you.

4. Think about and discuss the traditions that you already share as a family. The way you commemorate your child’s first day of school, birthdays, and even vacations sum up rituals that you have created. Together, you can find ways to establish new family traditions that encompass what means the most to each of you.

5. Break down how you will celebrate together. For example, will you give presents each night of Chanukah? What will happen when Chanukah and Christmas are on the same night? Will you go to church or stay home? Will your extended family be involved? If yes, what will that look like?

6. Finally, let grandparents and other family members know that you have made decisions that are best for you and your family. Explain to them how and where you plan to celebrate the holidays so they are not surprised. Should they have a problem with what you have determined, stand firm and let them know that you love them but this is what is right for your family.

For more hands on help on incorporating both faiths, check out The Interfaith Family Project Of Greater Washington. IFFP is an independent community of interfaith families and others committed to sharing, learning about, and celebrating Jewish and Christian traditions. It is the only interfaith organization of its kind in the country.

–Posted by Jennifer Kogan, LICSW

If you are a separating or divorced parent, consider the following statements:

• My child’s other parent argues with me over the silliest of things.
• Making decisions together with the other parent is almost impossible.
• The other parent almost always considers him/herself first, even over the children.
• Our child avoids talking about their other parent with they are with me.
• Our child keeps secrets from me or the other parent.
• Our child often does not want to be with either me or the other parent.
• The other parent withholds information from me concerning the child.
• The other parent is generally irresponsible.
• We continue to file legal motions over points that seem very important but later prove to not be critical.
• I would collaborate with my child’s other parent but he/she does not collaborate with me.
(modified from Thayer & Zimmerman, 2001)

If more than a few of these statements are true, you and your ex-spouse are dancing to a destructive beat. Such conflict can exacerbate children’s hurt. Even as they are dealing with the loss of divorce, their parents’ conflict may cause them to feel “caught in the middle”, guilty, confused, and conflicted.

Even if you feel that the other parent is the primary initiator of conflict, there are steps you can take to disengage from the dance:

- Acknowledge that you are a partner in the conflict dance and your behavior is affecting your child.
- Disengage from your dance partner. Do your best to refrain from blaming, name-calling, or yelling in discussions with the other parent.
- Focus on what you can do to be a more cooperative co-parent, rather than only on what the other parent can do.
- Get support. Talk to friends who are understanding of your situation, seek out support in your community; in your synagogue, church, or mosque, talk to a professional, or consider seeking help from a family therapist.

Here are some further tips for communicating with your child’s other parent:

- Think of the other parent as a “business partner”. If you remember that you are trying to nurture a business-like relationship, it will be easier to remember how to communicate effectively (respectful problem-solving, avoiding blame, etc.).
- Try emailing your child’s other parent instead of calling, especially if you are feeling angry or hurt.
- Pause and give yourself a few moments of quiet time before discussions.
- Share an online calendar for important dates for your child.
- Have weekly scheduled phone sessions with the other parent to discuss agendas or important decisions.
- Let the other parent know when you need time to consider an issue and when you will respond with an answer.

Freeing yourself from the conflict dance can open up options for working with the other parent that will benefit you and your child. While such steps are often difficult, your child will likely feel more secure and be better able to cope with the tasks of childhood.

Reference:
Thayer, E.S. & Zimmerman, J. (2001). The Co – Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

-Posted by Kirsten Jimerson

1. Have children go to bed the time they will be going to bed when school is in session.

2. Have them wake up earlier in the mornings so their bodies can begin to adjust to the time they will have to get up for school.

3. Have them begin to take baths and showers daily, as some children get out of the habit during the summer when they are in the pool every day.

4. Have them begin to follow visual schedules again if they stopped during the summer. Make all adjustments to your school schedules now so they can begin to get used to the “new” routines.

5. Establish what chores the children will be doing (and when) for the upcoming school year. It is important that children do chores as part of learning responsibility.

6. Establish when/where the children will be doing homework; for some children, they will be having more homework this year than last year.

7. Establish a quiet location for children to do their homework. Ensure that they have a supply box handy.

8. Establish (with the child and the school) how they will track their homework assignments. Remember, it is the child’s responsibility to know what assignments are due at school, not yours!

9. Use visual cues and timers so your child has a better chance of succeeding with expectations.

10. Screen Time (computers, laptops, I-Pads, I-Pods, Phones, TV, DVDs, Nintendo DS, Video games, etc.): Many kids get used to a lot of screen time during the summer. Now that school is beginning, it is important for you to establish guidelines for the use of screens during the school year. I recommend that the child does not have screen time until schedules are completed. Research suggests that 1.0 to 2.0 hours of screens (including phones) per weekday is appropriate for school-age kids in elementary school and middle school; 2.0 to 3.0 hours per weekday for kids in high school.

Some children may require special measures to implement guidelines for screen time, including the use of a password that only you have access to. In some cases screens have to be “parked” in a place that can be supervised by the parents and away from the child, or even locked up until the child’s is allowed to use the device.

11. Arrange any “before-school-starts” meetings with school staff to make preparations for your child. If your child will be attending a new school, make arrangements for that transition (including using photo books of the new school and staff, driving the child to the location of the school, using social stories about the new school, sending strategies to the new school team, etc. Many schools will be happy to do anything to make the transition go more smoothly).

–Posted by Jonah Green

There are many ways to be creative about allowance. Here are some of the values that can be reinforced in the process:

1. The value of money:
When children are giving decision-making power over how to spend their money (within age-appropriate limits), they begin to learn how to match their wishes to the costs of things in the real world. They learn to prioritize what they want, and to make choices about how to spend their money. So, for example if they spend all of their money at the beginning of the week on candy, they will learn that there’s none left when the family takes a visit to a Dollar Store later in the week.

2. The value of economizing:
With experience, children can learn how to delay gratification, and plan how to save or spend their allowance. Children can begin to learn that if they save several weeks allowance, and don’t spend it on frivolous items; they can actually buy something more expensive and desirable.

3. The value of work:
Some parents divide up the child’s allowance into chores, and give out the weekly allowance to the extent that the chores were completed. So for example, each chore can be reimbursed at the rate of $2. A $6 allowance could be rewarded when their room is clean, the garbage is taken out, and their assigned night’s dishes are washed. If one chore is not completed, the child’s allowance would be $4 for the week. This creates a logical consequence for not doing their job, as well as an incentive for getting the work done. As a child gets older, more weekly chores can be added, which may raise the amount they get for allowance.

Some families provide children a chance to make more money, on top of their allowance, by doing extra work at home. Doing an extra load of laundry, mowing the lawn or weeding the garden can all be tasks that can bring additional money, if a child is saving towards something special.

One caveat: It is important that allowance not be withheld as a consequence for other problems. They should know that if they do their chores, they can count on the money. Other appropriate consequences should be found, logically tied to the given situation.

4. The value of saving:
Parents can insist that a portion of their child’s allowance be put away in a bank account for college, or some other goal. So each week, let’s say $1 is saved. Some parents will give an additional “match” in the banking account if more than the required amount is saved.

5. The value of giving:
Parents also can use weekly allowance to teach their family’s philanthropic tradition. Some families have the child set aside 10%, a tithing rate, for charity. Others may have the child put a certain amount of their allowance in their church’s collection plate on Sunday. Jewish families sometimes have children put part of their allowance in a tzedakah (or righteous deeds) box, before the Sabbath. At some point in the year (around a holiday or at the beginning of the year,) the child can decide what charity to support. This becomes a time for them to explore what is meaningful to them. Writing a letter to the charity to go along with the check can be an important learning opportunity.

6. The value of love:
Giving an allowance to a child can be an expression of your love for them, and a sense of mutual give and take within a family. One family gives an extra dollar on top of the amount given for chores “just for living.” This dollar cannot be taken away, but is something the child can count on every week, even if they have been uncooperative. This is one tangible way to express to your child that your love for them is unconditional.

–posted by Reena Bernards