Children’s and teens’ use of electronic devices have vastly increased over the past several years.  The Kaiser Family Foundation reports that kids ages 8-18 now spend about seven and half hours per day consuming electronic entertainment.  On average, they watch about four hours of television or video, spend two hours playing video games, and surf the internet for over an hour.  Because many children often use multiple devices simultaneously, a typical child may spend a combined total of more than 10 hours daily using entertaining themselves with electronics. These figures do not include time spent listening to digitally recorded music, texting or talking on the phone.

Electronic devices offer children opportunities for recreation, socialization, entertainment, and learning.  Some electronic games help teach academic subjects, and many games have intricate story lines that may enrich children’s imaginations.  When kids keep up with popular shows and games they may be better able to interact with their peers.  Social networking sites offer children an opportunity for socializing, and an opportunity to gain support and guidance from peers.  The internet is now essential for much academic research.

For all their benefits, electronic devices hold a number of pitfalls for children.  Increasing evidence suggests that an excessive use of electronic devices, especially for entertainment, inhibits the development of positive, close relationships.  A report in the March 2010 issue of Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine found that the more time teens spend watching television or using computers, the less time they spend with family members, and that the quality of teens’ relationships with both parents and peers suffer when they use consume electronic entertainment several hours per day.  Disturbingly, the researchers found that some children and teens used screen-based activities as a substitute for real-life relationships, developing “online relationships” with people who they never met, or even maintaining “para-social” connections with television characters or personalities.A heavy consumption of electronic entertainment can result in myriad other difficulties.  Researchers have found correlations between a heavy use of electronics by teens and premature sexual activity, aggression, decreased empathy, attention problems, obesity, and poor school performance.  “Electronic addiction” is a real phenomenon wherein children as well as adults come to crave electronic entertainment as a way to cope with feelings such as boredom and anger.  Even children who use electronics less frequently may face negative consequences.  Violent or sexually explicit games may pose particular dangers, and children may face threats online in the form of cyber-bullying, sexting, and adult predators.

What can parents to do to encourage a moderate, responsible use of electronic entertainment?  The pervasiveness of electronic media makes blanket prohibitions impractical for most parents.  Many researchers, educators, and child development experts recommend a comprehensive approach involving positive role modeling, dialogue and participation, reasonable limits, and the encouragement of positive and responsible media use is most likely to be effective.

Parents may find the following actions helpful in encouraging their children’s responsible use of electronics:

-Become knowledgeable about the latest games and gadgets.  You will be far better able to influence your children if you are aware of what is out there.

-Work with the other caretakers in the household to be sure that you are giving a similar messages and limits.

-Limit your own use of electronic devices, especially for entertainment.  Avoid playing games or watching shows that feature sex or aggression in front of children.

-Avoid power struggles as much as possible by engaging in dialogues where you validate what children want and offer them choices.

-Carve out time when all electronics, including phones and internet connections, are turned off throughout the household.

-Monitor children’s use of all forms of media, and limit or prohibit their exposure to violence and sex.

-Limit the pervasiveness of electronic devices. Do not put television in children’s bedrooms. Keep computers in public settings, especially for younger children.  Limit children’s use of handheld devices that play video and offer games, including phones and portable game players.

-Learn about the social networking sites children and teens use, and limit, prohibit, or monitor their participation in them.

-Encourage alternatives to electronics, such as board games and reading.

Children are growing up in a world where electronic entertainment are ubiquitous and available 24/7.  Those who have difficulty regulating their use of electronic devices often find that devices control them rather the other way around, with many detrimental effects.  Parents who learn about the world of electronic entertainment, place parameters on usage, and encourage responsible use, will better enable their children to take productive advantage of the enormous opportunities of these powerful technologies.

Posted by Jonah Green

Children’s needs shift as they travel across the developmental stages from infancy, middle childhood, adolescence, and into young adulthood. Throughout these stages, parents may need to adjust their strategies accordingly and remain firm but flexible. Parents serve as their children’s secure base from which they could explore the world around them, providing safety and comfort as children’s capacity to explore the world gets bigger and wider. It is also through this attachment that children can learn about relationships, as well as means to regulate their emotions.

Why is this important? As the base for exploration, it is important for the parent(s) to remain secure and grounded. Let’s look at the developmental context of the child within the family: development can be influenced by factors within the child and/or parent (e.g., individual temperament, physical and mental health, etc.) or factors within the environment (e.g., socioeconomic status, relocation, divorce, remarriage, school, etc.).  I like using the analogy of a tether ball when looking at how these factors affect one another. In tether ball, the pole is securely fastened to the ground, which then has a rubber ball attached by a rope to this pole. Once the ball (child) is in play, its travel distance (area of exploration) is determined by the players, wind, etc. (environment), length of rope (attachment), and how securely attached the pole is to the ground (parent). The game is fun because there is a lot of movement and interplay across these factors. If the rope does not extend and remains too close to the pole, then it would be difficult to play tether ball. It would also be difficult to play tether ball if the pole kept moving as the ball goes into play.

It is important for the pole (parents) to remain securely fastened to the ground in order to maintain structure and create boundaries. Parents manage the tether for the ball (child) and encourage further exploration and independence by extending the length of the rope, or showing closeness and support by welcoming the retraction of the child’s exploration. When therapy is sought after, families often identify ways in which they want their children to change for the better.  Strengthening the “tether”, or parents, so that they are strong and grounded is also an important part of a successful outcome.

-Posted by Carlo Panlilio.

Lay, K., Waters, E., Posada, G., & Ridgeway, D. (1995). Attachment security, affect regulation, and defensive responses to mood induction. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 60(2-3): 179-196.

Waters, E. & Cummings, E. (2000). A secure base from which to explore close relationships. Child Development, 71(1): 164-172.

Waters, E., Treboux, D., Crowell, J., Merrick, S., & Albersheim, L. (2000). Attachment security in infancy and early adulthood: A 20-year longitudinal study. Child Development, 71(3): 684-689.

One of the common fears for parents is that a diagnosis of ADHD will be stigmatizing for their child.   Sometimes an evaluation is put off because of this fear.  In my work with clients who have ADHD, I have learned that knowing the diagnosis is the entry card to the mysterious world of the brain.  Exploring how our brain works and understanding what goes on inside of this world will enable the child to take charge of his own functioning and facilitate progress in learning how to cope with this unique brain.

In my office, I have a basket of “stuff”, collected over time that can be used to construct or symbolize various brain parts and functions.  One of the first exercises in working with a child who has ADHD is to use this “stuff” to construct their unique brain.  There are race cars for the fast parts, feathers for the flighty parts, nuts, bolts and washers for the machine like working parts, clay for the more malleable, flexible parts and many other items that can be used creatively.

As the results of a neuro-psychological evaluation are transformed into these 3 dimensional models, the child begins to take ownership of the various strengths and weaknesses identified by the evaluation.  Suddenly, many parts of day to day functioning take on new meaning.  We can now discuss the neuro-cognitive aspects of living and working with an ADHD brain.

Neuro-cognitive Psychotherapy is a brain-based treatment approach that is a unique blend of cognitive-behavioral therapy and cognitive rehabilitation. This approach is a team approach based in the most recent research on brain functioning and ADHD.  The process integrates the client, the parents, the school and other important caretakers in a coordinated plan for learning and managing the symptoms of ADHD.  The key to building a treatment plan is to understand how the brain works in general and to discover how the brain of a particular child is functioning specifically. This brain based approach starts with a neuro-psychological evaluation that enables us to measure various aspects of executive function, memory function, and processing abilities. This evaluation may also examine emotional strengths and resources that the child has been using to cope with the stress of learning and living.
Once a diagnosis of ADHD has been made, educating the child about the specific strengths and weaknesses in their brain is the next step. In addition to building our own brain models, we may view images of brains from various websites.   Pictures of brains from web sites showing fMRIs have been very helpful. With the fMRI, we can see different areas of the brain light up as one thinks and problem solves. One of the most detailed collections of fMRIs can be found at the Amen Clinic site:  www.amenclinic.com.  You may want to log on to take your own tour of different brain images. We may also make drawings or abstract art that represents the various functions of the brain and how they interact with each other.
As a child comes to understand how his own brain is working, he is encouraged to present his understanding in a family session as a means of educating others in the family. In this way, the child is given power over the ADHD. The stigma that has been associated with inattentive or hyperactive behavior is replaced by knowledge that empowers the child to take more control over his life. The earlier this empowering process can begin, the more opportunity the child has to build compensating strategies, make changes in his environment and develop supportive relationships. Educating the child about his own brain, how it works, and how he can help make it work best is a central part of neuro-cognitive psychotherapy – de-stigmatizing the brain patterns we refer to as ADHD and giving the child a sense of understanding and control.

Gloria Kay Vanderhorst, Ph.D.

www.drvanderhorst.com

CHOOSING WHAT LIMITS TO SET

Do not make everything into a battle; set as few limits as is reasonably possible and practical. Base the limits on the best interests of the child or the needs of the situation, not on your personal whim.  When setting a limit, consider what the child is capable of and whether or not your expectations are realistic. Except in emergency situations, think the limit through before you introduce it to the child. Do not set limits that you are unlikely or unable to uphold. Decide ahead of time on what the reasonable and related consequences will be if/when the limit is crossed. Plan for potential problems; most children test limits, at least some of the time.

INFORMING CHILDREN OF LIMITS

When you inform your child of the limit, use clear and simple language, stating what you expect of the child and what you, as the parent, are willing or not willing to do. Explain what the consequences will be, including how long they will last and/or big they will be.

UPHOLDING LIMITS

When the child crosses a limit, it is best to avoid either lecturing or asking for a child’s OK. Begin by stating the limit in short, clear language. Don’t negotiate, argue or plead. It doesn’t usually help to tell the child you are doing this because you love them; you can demonstrate both your love and serious intent by being friendly but firm. When you apply a consequence, act without saying anything more, just follow through on what you have told them will happen.

Limits should be consistently applied so that the child knows what to expect and the rules will have meaning.  Inconsistency in the pell-mell of family life is inevitable; be understanding of yourself if you are not fully consistent, but remember that children benefit from clarity.

Except in cases of emergency, it is usually OK to take a moment to figure out what is going on and what you are going to do, or to “think and act”.  This thoughtful deliberation is also a good model for your child.

REVIEWING THE LIMIT

Acknowledge your child’s efforts as well as their successes in following limits. Compliment them on what they did rather than on how you felt about it.

LIMITS AT DIFFERENT AGES & STAGES

Effective limits evolve as children grow. Toddlers need many limits, college students home for the summer need few.   Here are examples of effective limit-setting at various ages and stages:

BABIES: Primarily use actions. Remove the baby or the object. Distract the infant. Modify the environment so that the baby’s world supports the limits.

TODDLERS: Use firm, short sentences accompanied by nonverbal signals. Fantasy and humor can also be helpful tools. Make sure that your child is capable of complying with the limits; you may have to train them in skills or behaviors first.

SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN: Begin with a verbal explanation of rules, expectations and consequences. Work out agreements in advance as much as possible. As the child matures he can have increasing input into the agreement.

TEENS: Limits with teens work best if they operate in an atmosphere of respect, are consistent with family values, have some form of accountability, and are reasonable, clear and consistent.  Limits that are too punitive or controlling can lead to adolescent rebellion. Limits that are too soft and yielding can lead to increased risk-taking as the teen seeks to determine where the limits are.

Effective limit-setting that informs, guides, educates, and adapts to children’s growth can contribute to a more orderly household, a more harmonious family atmosphere, and an increased ability for children to make positive choices as they grow and develop.

-Posted by Ann C. Scheiner

Parents who are in a separation or divorce process often feel understandable feelings of overwhelm and trepidation about telling their children what is happening.  Still, children greatly benefit when they receive accurate and clear information; without facts, they may answer their own questions and fill the void with inaccuracies and assumptions.

Each family’s conversation will be unique and individual.  However, there are some general tips that will apply to all families preparing for this dialogue.  Here are some of them:

1. Plan the conversation in advance and decide which parent will say what in the conversation.
2. Have the conversation together so both parents are presenting the same information and children do not feel caught in the middle.
3. Keep your own feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, ambivalence, and blame out of the conversation.
4. Keep the conversation short and age appropriate.
5. Practice the conversation prior to having it so the words feel as comfortable as possible.
6. It is ok to be somewhat emotional during the conversation but it is important to contain your emotions so that your children see you as a parent who will survive this change.
7. Consider when to tell your children in relation to when the actual changes will take place.  Some children need more time to process information than others.  Some children will be anxious knowing this information without actual changes.  Consider your own child’s needs.
8. Include statements about what is happening (e.g. mommy and daddy have decided to live in two separate homes) and discuss whether you want to use the words separation and divorce.
9. Explain the housing situation in an age-appropriate way, to include where each parent will live and any details about the homes (e.g. distance apart, bedroom set-up).

10.  Do not make promises you are not 100% sure you can deliver.  Although there is an urge to reassure children with promises about staying in the same school district or house, unless you are sure this will happen, do not promise this to your child.

11.  Let your children know this is not their fault and there is nothing they can do to change what is happening.

12.  Consider giving children an explanation as to why you are separating or divorcing (e.g. we have been arguing a lot lately and have been unable to resolve our problems after working very hard).  It is not recommended that parents share the intimate details of why the separation or divorce, information about possible affairs, or information that one parent wants the separation or divorce and the other parent does not.

13.  Remind your children that you both will always love them and take care of   them as their parents.

14.  Let your children know what will stay the same (e.g. school, friends, activities) and what will be different (e.g. you will see dad on these days and mom on these days).

15.  Let your children know that they may have a range of feelings, and that you want them to feel comfortable feeling a variety of emotions (e.g. sadness, anxiety, excitement, relief).

16.  Resist the understandable urge to tell your children “everything will be fine”.  It can feel dismissive of the child’s feelings and may negate your desire for your child to feel free to express their own emotions.

17.  Anticipate that your children may ask questions you are not prepared to answer.  A safe and appropriate response is that the child has asked a good question and the parents will talk about it and get back to him/her.  Then, it is important to follow through with this and get back to the child with a response in a timely way.

This initial conversation is the beginning of an on-going dialogue with your children about the separation or divorce.  As children grow older, process feelings, and have new experiences, their questions change.  It is best for children if parents are open to talking as their children evolve.

For further assistance during this challenging transitional period, you and your family may benefit from a consultation with a mental health professional that specializes in separation and divorce.

-Posted by Sue Soler

Ms. Soler can be reached at 301-461-8688 or suesoler@yahoo.com.  You can read more about Sue and her work at http://www.collaborativedivorcemd.com/members/profiles/susan-soler.php

Introduction

The level of anxiety that many parents feel seems to be growing all the time. Stress can be high and people have less and less down time. Television and magazine articles may offer quick and easy recipes to solve parenting challenges. However, this kind of information often glosses over reality and can leave entire families feeling unheard and alone.

Slow It Down

In this culture of unease, it can help to slow everything down. I often ask the people I work with to think about how they felt growing up in their own families of origin. What was the stress level on a scale from 1 to 10? How did their parents handle discipline with them and their siblings? How about affection? How was that displayed? Often, the answers to these questions can shift the viewpoint away from your performance and turn instead to meeting your child where he/she is at this very moment.

Wonder to Yourself

I ask parents to wonder to themselves, “What is the need that is trying to be met here?” This the best question to ask yourself first and then to pose to your child as you traverse each day’s hills and valleys.

Find Your Unity and Purpose

What can strength a family is a sense of unity and purpose. I encourage parents to nourish themselves both as individuals and then together as a couple. This is because it is much easier to parent when you are feeling joyful and strong. I introduce the idea of guided imagery (relaxing by listening to a story or music on CD) to parents. Trying this at home can empower both parent and child. Other techniques to foster a greater sense of connection include creating a family crest or symbol together and holding regular family meetings where everyone gets a chance to talk.

Conclusion

There will always be days, weeks, or months where stress can occur in a family. I believe that remaining open and playful can quiet the fears and allow clients to walk calmly beside their children into the world that awaits them.

-Posted by Jennifer Kogan