This blog is written by the clinicians at Jonah Green and Associates, a mental health practice based in Kensington, MD that provides quality services for children, teens, families, and adults. It is intended as a resource for families who are seeking to expand their knowledge about mental health and mental health services, and also as a resource for families who are seeking quality mental health services, especially in the mid-Atlantic region. Please feel free to post questions and comments on any of the entries as well as on any topics or articles from our companion web site www.childandfamilymentalhealth.com.
I recently took a parenting class at the Parent Education Program in Kensington and during one class the teacher said “Limits worth setting are limits worth upholding.” For the last three months that statement has stuck with me because it highlights that limit setting involves a two step process – (1) making a (hopefully) thoughtful choice about what limits to set and (2) following through with the work of upholding the limit.
When a newborn arrives, it calls out into the world. As her parents take her into their arms and provide care they learn to respond to her cries. When she is hungry she is nursed or bottle fed. When he is uncomfortable his diaper is changed. Sometimes the young baby is carried on the parent’s shoulder, patted and whispered to, and the crying stops. The parent feels connected and accomplished. Their love builds with their ability to understand and respond to their infant.
When I was an adolescent my sister-in-law taught piano lessons out of my parent’s home. She and I developed a weekly routine. I would babysit her infant daughter while she taught, and afterward, she and I would sit down at the kitchen table and chat until dinnertime. I look back on those afternoons with such warm feelings. Like a typical middle schooler, I was struggling with exploring my identity, maintaining friendships, and establishing some independence from my parents. Unlike other adults, I remember Amy patiently listening as I talked and talked and talked. I felt so important and grown up. Even though I was much younger, I considered Amy to be a close friend. She knew the power of listening and I was so grateful to experience that.
A friend once gave me some great parenting advice based on a humorous middle-of-the-night story. When her young child woke her up with an unspecified medical ailment, she decided to ignore it and go back to sleep, because if it was serious, she would need all of her energy to deal with it the next day. This parent had her priorities in order.
It is impossible to be our best as parents if we are physically or mentally exhausted and burned out. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of ourselves is just as important as taking care of our children. And here are some reasons why:
Running around at a furious speed, meeting everyone else’s needs takes a toll on our mental health. Feeling burned out for long periods of time can lead to more serious problems like stress, anxiety, depression, social isolation, and fatigue. Self-care may feel like one more thing on a to-do list, but taking small, frequent moments to recharge can actually help improve your ability to function and keep going.
Parent burn out can also take a toll on our physical health. Stress weakens our immune system, which means we are more likely to get sick with common colds, the flu, or the stomach bug. Preventing this kind of stress and illness is easier than taking sick days. And if we don’t take care of ourselves when we are sick, it takes that much longer to get better.
We want to teach our children to be independent and take care of themselves. Teaching life skills is important, but the example we set for our children speaks volumes; children learn as much, or more from what they see us do as from what they hear us teach. When we take time to rest and recharge, our children see how to do it for themselves. Whether they will be understanding of your need to take a break and not give them 100% of your attention is another story for another blog post.
I think we fall into the trap of believing that being a good parent means never focusing on ourselves and only focusing on our children’s’ needs. Staying physically and mentally healthy helps us meet our children’s needs even better. When we are refreshed and recharged, we can be more patient and attentive with our children. That’s when we can enjoy them the most and build strong relationships with them. Filling up our cups gives us something to offer those who need us.
Find small moments to appreciate something every day. For me, it’s stepping outside and feeling the sunshine on my face for a few moments. Maybe for you, it’s playing music that makes you feel good. Find something that you like and be intentional about paying attention to it for those small moments.
Find a way to remind yourself of the things you are grateful for. At dinner with your family, share one thing you are grateful for or share something with your partner or spouse at the end of the day. Keep a list on your phone and add to it when you think of new things.
Fresh air and nature have a calming effect on our bodies and minds. Even if it’s just stepping out onto the porch for a few minutes when you feel overwhelmed, spending time outside can help you recharge.
What are some of your favorite memories with your children? These happy memories also have a recharging effect on our moods.
This can mean talking with other parents to vent and share ideas, or just reaching out for adult social connection. Check out local parent groups on Facebook. Or try spending your lunch break with colleagues instead of at your desk.
Studies show that six seconds of physical touch promotes bonding and relaxes the body and the mind.
Being a parent might be the hardest and most unrelenting job out there, and we get no training or paid time off. Of course, it is also the most rewarding job. It is not selfish to take time for yourself so that you can be your best self for your children.
Posted by Leslie Gunderson
Your child comes home from school after receiving a lower grade on a project than she expected. She feels that she did a great job and is angry and confused because she does not feel that she was graded fairly by her teacher. There are three ways she can respond to this situation of perceived injustice. She can choose to be passive, aggressive, or assertive.
A child who is passive might refrain from communicating with her teacher altogether for fear of the way she might react or respond. A child who is aggressive might yell at the teacher or interrupt the lesson to accuse the teacher of unfair treatment. As you can see, these two extremes are not the most adaptive way of communicating.
Assertiveness is the healthiest style of communication. Assertiveness requires us to recognize and stand up for our own rights, while simultaneously respecting the rights of others. Further, assertiveness is the ability to advocate for ourselves in a way that is honest and respectful. An assertive response to the situation above might involve the child asking to speak to the teacher after class to explain her position. The child may say “I feel frustrated and confused because of all the hard work I put into this project, and I don’t feel like my grade reflects that. Might you be able to explain what I could have done differently?”
Both adults and children can have initial difficulty with assertiveness. However, like any skill, with practice, it gets easier. For children, assertiveness skills play a very significant role in a variety of situations, from the playground to the classroom to a sleepover; from bullying to teasing to peer pressure. For adults, learning to advocate respectfully for yourself in the workplace, in your family, or with friends is paramount to establishing healthy relationships and maintaining high self-esteem.
Sometimes, we tell our children to do things without offering them much of an explanation. “Be assertive” is something that a child might not necessarily know how to do without your help. Ask your child about situations with friends or at a school where she has struggled with assertiveness. Maybe she was excluded from a game at recess or teased on the bus. Role-play a healthy conversation where you respond in an assertive way. Switch roles and have your child practice being assertive.
As parents, modeling appropriate behavior is one of the most effective ways to help our children learn how to conduct themselves. Assertive communication skills are no different! It is important that your child sees you standing up for yourself in various situations, especially where your opinion might not be the most popular. When you practice statements like “Thanks for sharing your perspective. I have a different opinion, but now I understand yours,” it teaches your child that it is okay to disagree, but it is important to stand up for yourself respectfully.
You can teach your child the follow these steps when asserting himself:
By learning and practicing how to communicate assertively, you and your child will gain insight into yourselves and each other, tolerance of others and their ideas, and confidence in your ability to speak up feel heard.
-Post by Erin Futrovsky Gates, LGSW