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This blog is written by the clinicians at Jonah Green and Associates, a mental health practice based in Kensington, MD that provides quality services for children, teens, families, and adults. It is intended as a resource for families who are seeking to expand their knowledge about mental health and mental health services, and also as a resource for families who are seeking quality mental health services, especially in the mid-Atlantic region. Please feel free to post questions and comments on any of the entries as well as on any topics or articles from our companion web site www.childandfamilymentalhealth.com.

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Improving Your Relationships with a Little More Listening

When I was an adolescent my sister-in-law taught piano lessons out of my parent’s home. She and I developed a weekly routine. I would babysit her infant daughter while she taught, and afterward, she and I would sit down at the kitchen table and chat until dinnertime. I look back on those afternoons with such warm feelings. Like a typical middle schooler, I was struggling with exploring my identity, maintaining friendships, and establishing some independence from my parents. Unlike other adults, I remember Amy patiently listening as I talked and talked and talked. I felt so important and grown up. Even though I was much younger, I considered Amy to be a close friend. She knew the power of listening and I was so grateful to experience that.

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You Can’t Pour From an Empty Cup – Self Care Ideas for Parents

A friend once gave me some great parenting advice based on a humorous middle-of-the-night story. When her young child woke her up with an unspecified medical ailment, she decided to ignore it and go back to sleep, because if it was serious, she would need all of her energy to deal with it the next day. This parent had her priorities in order.

It is impossible to be our best as parents if we are physically or mentally exhausted and burned out. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of ourselves is just as important as taking care of our children. And here are some reasons why:

  • Staying Sane

    Running around at a furious speed, meeting everyone else’s needs takes a toll on our mental health. Feeling burned out for long periods of time can lead to more serious problems like stress, anxiety, depression, social isolation, and fatigue. Self-care may feel like one more thing on a to-do list, but taking small, frequent moments to recharge can actually help improve your ability to function and keep going.

  • Staying healthy

    Parent burn out can also take a toll on our physical health. Stress weakens our immune system, which means we are more likely to get sick with common colds, the flu, or the stomach bug. Preventing this kind of stress and illness is easier than taking sick days. And if we don’t take care of ourselves when we are sick, it takes that much longer to get better.

  • An example for our children

    We want to teach our children to be independent and take care of themselves. Teaching life skills is important, but the example we set for our children speaks volumes; children learn as much, or more from what they see us do as from what they hear us teach. When we take time to rest and recharge, our children see how to do it for themselves. Whether they will be understanding of your need to take a break and not give them 100% of your attention is another story for another blog post.

  • Being our best as parents

    I think we fall into the trap of believing that being a good parent means never focusing on ourselves and only focusing on our children’s’ needs. Staying physically and mentally healthy helps us meet our children’s needs even better. When we are refreshed and recharged, we can be more patient and attentive with our children. That’s when we can enjoy them the most and build strong relationships with them. Filling up our cups gives us something to offer those who need us.

How do we practice parent self-care in the midst of meeting our children’s needs and all of the other demands placed on us? Here are a few ideas:

  • Take time for something you enjoy each day

    Find small moments to appreciate something every day. For me, it’s stepping outside and feeling the sunshine on my face for a few moments. Maybe for you, it’s playing music that makes you feel good. Find something that you like and be intentional about paying attention to it for those small moments.

  • Practice gratitude

    Find a way to remind yourself of the things you are grateful for. At dinner with your family, share one thing you are grateful for or share something with your partner or spouse at the end of the day. Keep a list on your phone and add to it when you think of new things.

  • Get outside

    Fresh air and nature have a calming effect on our bodies and minds. Even if it’s just stepping out onto the porch for a few minutes when you feel overwhelmed, spending time outside can help you recharge.

  • Think of your favorite memories

    What are some of your favorite memories with your children? These happy memories also have a recharging effect on our moods.

  • Connect with other adults

    This can mean talking with other parents to vent and share ideas, or just reaching out for adult social connection. Check out local parent groups on Facebook. Or try spending your lunch break with colleagues instead of at your desk.

  • Physical touch

    Studies show that six seconds of physical touch promotes bonding and relaxes the body and the mind.

Being a parent might be the hardest and most unrelenting job out there, and we get no training or paid time off. Of course, it is also the most rewarding job. It is not selfish to take time for yourself so that you can be your best self for your children.

Posted by Leslie Gunderson

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A Parents’ Guide to Assertive Communication

Your child comes home from school after receiving a lower grade on a project than she expected.  She feels that she did a great job and is angry and confused because she does not feel that she was graded fairly by her teacher. There are three ways she can respond to this situation of perceived injustice. She can choose to be passive, aggressive, or assertive.

A child who is passive might refrain from communicating with her teacher altogether for fear of the way she might react or respond.  A child who is aggressive might yell at the teacher or interrupt the lesson to accuse the teacher of unfair treatment. As you can see, these two extremes are not the most adaptive way of communicating.

Assertiveness is the healthiest style of communication. Assertiveness requires us to recognize and stand up for our own rights, while simultaneously respecting the rights of others.  Further, assertiveness is the ability to advocate for ourselves in a way that is honest and respectful.  An assertive response to the situation above might involve the child asking to speak to the teacher after class to explain her position. The child may say “I feel frustrated and confused because of all the hard work I put into this project, and I don’t feel like my grade reflects that. Might you be able to explain what I could have done differently?”

Both adults and children can have initial difficulty with assertiveness. However, like any skill, with practice, it gets easier. For children, assertiveness skills play a very significant role in a variety of situations, from the playground to the classroom to a sleepover; from bullying to teasing to peer pressure.  For adults, learning to advocate respectfully for yourself in the workplace, in your family, or with friends is paramount to establishing healthy relationships and maintaining high self-esteem.

Here are some ways that you and your child can develop your assertiveness skills, and in turn establish healthy communication patterns:

Talk about Assertiveness

Sometimes, we tell our children to do things without offering them much of an explanation. “Be assertive” is something that a child might not necessarily know how to do without your help.  Ask your child about situations with friends or at a school where she has struggled with assertiveness. Maybe she was excluded from a game at recess or teased on the bus.  Role-play a healthy conversation where you respond in an assertive way. Switch roles and have your child practice being assertive.

Model Assertiveness

As parents, modeling appropriate behavior is one of the most effective ways to help our children learn how to conduct themselves.  Assertive communication skills are no different!  It is important that your child sees you standing up for yourself in various situations, especially where your opinion might not be the most popular.  When you practice statements like “Thanks for sharing your perspective. I have a different opinion, but now I understand yours,” it teaches your child that it is okay to disagree, but it is important to stand up for yourself respectfully.

You can teach your child the follow these steps when asserting himself:

  • Make eye contact.
  • Remain calm.
  • Speak clearly.
  • Use a confident voice.

By learning and practicing how to communicate assertively, you and your child will gain insight into yourselves and each other, tolerance of others and their ideas, and confidence in your ability to speak up feel heard.

-Post by Erin Futrovsky Gates, LGSW

 

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Avoiding Avoidance

Avoidance is a natural response to fear and anxiety.  Fear is adaptive and serves as an alarm to move us out of harm’s way.  Many stressors, such as running across a busy street or scaling a tall building, should be avoided.  Each time we successfully stay safe, our brain rewards us with a flood of relief; we survived, and we like that feeling.

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Games to Teach Young Children Impulse Control and Self-Regulation

Impulse control and self-regulation are a large part of many therapies with young children who have difficulty with waiting, stopping, following directions, and accepting limits.  These skills are part of a larger set of abilities called the “executive functions,” which include emotion regulation, organization, attention, inhibiting one’s actions, and time management.  Research shows that the area of the brain responsible for these complex tasks, the pre-frontal cortex, continues to develop into one’s mid-twenties.  No wonder our little ones are still learning and growing and in these areas!  With practice and persistence, we can help our little ones gain connections and strengthen executive functions.  The games below are used to do just that.

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Jonah Green and Associates, LLC

Jonah Green and Associates, LLC is a highly regarded group of mental health clinicians who treat children, teens, and families with a variety of emotional, behavioral, and relationship concerns... read more
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